


To Keep You Safe

by tosingthroughthenight (ToSingThroughTheNight)



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-24
Updated: 2014-08-24
Packaged: 2018-01-26 08:50:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1682276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToSingThroughTheNight/pseuds/tosingthroughthenight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It's good to have you back."-The Nightmare Begins. What if he hadn't hesitated? What if Merlin told Morgana he shared the same secret, risked his life every day by staying in Camelot?</p>
<p>Spoilers for Season 2 for now, we'll see about others later.<br/>Almost canon-compliant, a few variations.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Preface

**Author's Note:**

> A few things:  
> THIS IS NOT MY FIRST TIME WRITING FANFICTION. JUST THE FIRST TIME I POSTED IT TO THIS WEBSITE. Good. No more prejudices? Also, the preface is only a paragraph and a half. Just go on to the first chapter. I'm unashamed at that length. Everyone happy? I hope so, because I'm done writing this.

 Disclaimer: Merlin is not mine. Otherwise this would've happened in canon, and I wouldn't be doing this on a fanfiction website.

"Merlin..."

"I believe you."

"You do?" And the glass behind me splinters...and repairs itself. I turn to see the gold fading in the eyes of a warlock. "You believe me because you're this way too."

"Gaius told me to keep it a secret, but it's not my fault if you saw me. What will you do, turn me in to Uther?" As dangerous as the words are, they are spoken in jest, and my face turns from fear to relief.

"How can you live like this, Merlin? In fear every day that Uther will notice you, will send you to be executed with the rest of his criminals?"

"I have to...I should probably go."

"Merlin." He stops and turns, blue eyes wary of me.

"Thank you." I uncork the vial which holds my sleeping draught, though it does little good. What if the serum was keeping me from outbursts of magic, as had occurred last night? Clearly the potency had stopped working if so. With that, I shatter the vial, letting the droplets fall before I clean up the mess, with the new found strength I have found.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UPDATE 5/30: This was in the wrong spot for about a week. I only just realized it, and have fixed this problem. The preface is not meant to be read after you were thrown in, that was just a formatting error. My apologies for any misconceptions.
> 
> I swear there will not be any other chapters this short. This sickens me that I must post this as an entire chapter, but the entire episode has been rendered pointless, and this is concise. So just read the next chapter before judging me, please!


	2. The Witchfinder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The canonical visit to Camelot by Aredian stirs terror in the hearts of the magical. Merlin and Morgana must hope they are not caught...but we all know how this goes, so why am I explaining this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, we're skipping ahead to The Witchfinder because I have some nice thoughts for it. Morgana is the best to write because in my headcanon, she's just the product of fear gone manic. But, I HAVE NOT SEEN PAST THE CRYSTAL CAVE SO NO SPOILERS! Well, I'll probably watch that tonight (I said that every night of this week, though, so no promises).Here's one of actual nice length that doesn't make me feel guilty:

"Morgana, I've done something incredibly stupid." Oh, God, don't you have any sense? Check to see-okay, no one else is in the hall.

"One day, I'm going to strangle you just for saying that sentence."

"I got bored, amd started fooling around...with magic."

"Damn it, Merlin, how the hell do you survive a week in this castle?"

"I was just shaping the smoke, and I did check, but a village woman behind me saw it and reported it to Uther."

"Don't you think that might look suspicious? Your coincidental presence there when no one else was around?"

"Morgana, Uther has ordered a witch hunter be brought in. He will arrive in Camelot by tonight."

"What have you done?"

"I've signed my death warrant. You're Uther's ward, he-"

"Yes, he will, Merlin. I've seen him turn on those he once claimed to love, my entire life I've looked out this window only to see death. If it was Arthur, things would be different. He's his only son."

"Uther couldn't bear to have anything happen to you."

"I almost killed Uther once. We went to see my father's grave. I told the guards to let us be, and I had the sword in my hand. And he started telling me about my father, and I thought, I can't do this. Not to one my father knew. But I wanted to, Merlin. He didn't know why I truly sobbed. I cried because I couldn't kill him. I disowned him before that, for killing Gwen's father. He put me in chains. He does not care." Somehow, the confession makes me lighter.

"I know. I was there, I was told to let events play out, but I couldn't. Luckily, you didn't give me reason to stop you."

"But I told no one." He knew of my intentions, and still did not mean to harm me? Even still, he talks to me civilly.

"I heard you speaking with your helper. It's ridiculously easy for a servant to sneak around this castle."

"And you don' t still hate me?" My voice holds the quality of one about to dissolve into tears, and I despise it.

"You couldn't kill him. We've all wished ill on Uther, and I wait every day for it.  I don't necessarily want him killed per se, but I would rest more at ease if Arthur were king."

"Merllin, you wen't raised the way we have been. Uther fears magic, he has ensured it is instilled in Arhur's brain that magic is inherently evil."

"He won't turn you over."

"What do we do, Merlin?"

"Be careful. Don't get caught." His smile has returned, and he turns to leave.

"Merlin!"

"Maybe next time you should just tell me when to leave, as I keep getting the timing off." I force  a laugh, but drop the smile quickly.

"Be careful."

 

Uther has convened the court for a report from the witch hunter. Every  bone in my body has become tense, and Gwen asked me earlier if I needed to be taken to Gaius. This cannot wait, though, both my life and Merlin's are at stake.  Quite literally. I just made a joke of my own death. Since when have I been this morbid?

"Tell them what you saw." Some girl is blabbering about a man who spouted toads out of his mouth. Yes, because a real magician would be that stupid, he'd flaunt it in the streets of Camelot. "I regret to say , they are standing among us in this room!" We're both goners. Aredian knows. "My methods are infallible, my findings incontestable! The facts point to one person  and one person only: Merlin!" The little self-control I have keeps me from screaming, or pleaing mercy for him at Uther's feet. Arthur's eyebrow raises, clearly doubtful of the accusations.

"Merlin? You can't be serious." Arthur, you're a prat, and I've never loved you more than at this moment.

"This is outrageous! You have no evidence," Gaius counters, the wizened face glaring at Aredian.

"The tools of magic cannot be hidden from me. I am certain a thorough search of the boy's chambers will deliverus the information we need." Please, don't be a fool, if you say anything contrary, it'll only become worse.

"Merlin?" Uther, you don't deserve to even let his name pass through your lips. He will always be a better man than you.

"I have nothing to hide from him."

"Guards, restrain the boy. Let the search begin." I cannot leave quickly enough.

 

"They found something, a bracelet of Gaius'. They plan to keep him in the dungeons." Merlin has returned from the search, and is updating me on our predicament. "It's my fault."

"Well, yes, but why does Gaius have a bracelet?"

"It's an amulet of some sort."

"I can't imagine him leaving something like that lying around in his chambers. Gaius is far too wise for that much carelessness, especially with the knowledge of a witchfinder in Camelot."

"Lady Morgana? Your presence is requested in the dungeons. Lord Aredian has some questions for you." I shoot Merlin a wary look before following Leon downstairs.

 

"There's no need to be concerned, My Lady, I won't detain you long. Now, there's just a small detail I wish to clarify. Now, it's true, is it not, that you have received treatment for nightmares?" I cannot speak, the shaking of my voice will give me away. I nod instead, attempting deep breaths while concealing the action. "And it was Gaius, the court physician, who administered these treatments? These potions?"

"Yes." It comes out as a whisper, no surety to the statement that concurs with a facet of my life.

"I'm sorry, could you please speak up?" You are destroying Gaius. The man who risks his own life to save others, protected me my whole life and harbors a sorcerer under his roof. You do not want me to speak up. I turn my eyes up to look at the monster, filling myself with pure hate.

"Yes."

"Thank you. Now you may go." Okay, nope, still nervous. And I can feel the worry still clinging to my face as I try for a smile, working out how to leave without showing my discomfort in the situation. I have just begun to ascend the stairs when the dreaded voice continues, "You don't know what was in these potions, I suppose?"

"No."

"No, of course not. You're not a physician, after all. So, for all you know, these potions could have been magical, your dreams the product of an enchanted elixir?"

"Oh, I had these dreams before Gaius started treating me." Ha! Make that into evil sorcery!

"But these dreams, have they gotten better or worse since Gaius began treating you?" Oh. That's how. I don't want to answer this. My response comes in the form of a choke, a bare hint of a word,

"Worse."

"As I thought. Thank you. You have been most helpful." No, no, it's not Gaius' fault, I'm a sorceress, take me. But the amulet was not mine. We would both be burned together, underneath Uther's cruel gaze, and he would turn his back once the screams subsided. Admitting to magic will only add to the number of deaths that accompany Aredian's arrival. I breathe in, and keep walking.

 

"Merlin, where have you been?"

"Arthur let me into Gaius' cell."

"That's against the-well, the law becomes flexible for Uther once Arthur gets involved. But I've seen him too, when I was called down for questioning. It's awful, isn't it?" I shudder at the thought. The warmth of my chambers has never been appreciated more than at this moment. The dungeons are anyone's worst nightmare-cold, dank, dark, rotting, and echoing with silence, leaving you alone to your own fears to run wild throughout your head.

"Gaius was framed. The amulet Aredian found didn't belong to either of us. Which means he must have hidden it within our chambers before the search. What if Aredian doesn't care who has magic? He breaks you until you confess, just to make it stop, or to save another."

"But this is all hypothetical. Uther wouldn't believe me if I suggested the idea, let alone a servant. We have no proof."

"Then we'll have to get some."

 

"Lady Morgana? Aredian has a few more questions for you." No. I am not going back to that dank place of rot, with silence screaming in my ears and fear lacing the air like toxins. I can't return to the prisoners, wasting their lives away for a curse they never asked for, while I carry the same burden and walk freely.

"Ah, yes, Lady Morgana, a pleasure to see you back again. Horrible circumstances, of course, but it is always an honor."

"Thank you." Keep it brisk. Need to know only. No babbling.

"Now, the nightmares you've mentioned, what do you normally see in them?"

"Death, destruction, torture, razings of city, basically everything that could go wrong in a scenario." Shut up, me.

"I see. And these dreams, does reality...echo them in a way?"

"Well, once, I saw Arthur being drowned by his love interest at the time. Regrettably, he's still alive." No need to mention that he was drowning but lived.

"You are most amusing, Lady Morgana. And as much as I hate to ask you about your few traumas, I'm afraid I must. Do you know what these dreams imply?"

I am not a simpleton. If I knew how to control it better, you would be dead by now.

"That I have some sort of psychological problem caused by death of a role model at a young age?"

"They sound much alike the visions of a Seer." I let shock onto my face, but keep up my guard.

"A Seer? Are you trying to say that I have magic? Don't  you think I would know if I were in possession of such an abomination?"

"Yes, I do."

"Uther has known me since I was a little girl, he would have sensed it and destroyed me by now. I have no evil intentions, save to deliver justice to those who practice magic." Okay. That sounded confident. And keep using the long words. Makes me sound smarter.

"But of course, My Lady. My deepest apologies. You may go." I shoot the man a look of pure loathing, directing all my ire at him, this man who takes lives without caring . If questioned, my disdain is in response to his implications. I do not speak to him, to thank him or state a goodbye.

 

"Morgana! Look what I've found!"

"Quiet, you want to tell everyone?" There are soldiers always patrolling the halls, we need to leave. Merlin, you can't just tell me these things in broad daylight-well, it's evening, so I suppose that phrase is out of the question. Still, the boy needs to learn some deceit.

"Come with me. I found flower petals in Aredian's chambers, in a locked cabinet. These could prove Gaius' innocence!"

 

"Belladonna." My fingers shake as I point to the matching flower in one of Gaius' books. "In certain conditions, a tincture will produce hallucinations."

"Aredian's witnesses! Their testimonies were hallucinations."

"How do we prove this, though? Aredian isn't stupid, he wouldn't just be standing out on the streets handing them out like leaflets."

"What did the witnesses have in common?"

"Well, they were all women."

"Deeper, Morgana."

"No, really. Only a woman would need things to make her look beautiful, things from a flower."

 

"Lady Morgana?"

"Do you sell a tincture of belladonna?"

"What do you need eye drops for in the middle of the night? I am sorry, My Lady, I ought not to have spoken out of turn."

"You're fine, just bring me some of the eye drops." I turn to Merlin. "Women use them to make their eyes look more beautiful."

"Here you are."

"Where did you get these?"

"The usual suppliers."

"I am Uther's ward. I demand you tell me where these came from." The man's eyes dart back and forth, clearly uncertain about my authority in this situation.

"I have told you no falsehoods. Is that all?."

"Was it Aredian?"

"I don't know who you're talking about."

"Don't you? Did you know Gaius, the court physician, is scheduled for execution tomorrow?"

"He forced me to sell it, he said he would kill me if I didn't!""

"It was Aredian?"

"Yes. It was Aredian."

"Thank you."

 

As we walk back to the castle, Merlin whispers, "We've got him."

"Merlin, are you sure?"

"We have the word of his ward, a witness, and solid proof. Surely it's enough."

"Against the word of a king's trusted advisor. We need it to be irrefutable."

"There's not enough time to prance around Camelot asking strangers about Aredian. Gaius will be long dead by the time we-"

"I didn't say prance around Camelot. I said make it irrefutable."

"You want me to use magic. On a witchfinder."

"I was implying, Merlin, so that no one would hear you. Why don't you tell the whole world?"

"You have magic."

"But I don't practice it. Just do it."

 

It is a wonder I have stayed awake the entire night, and still do not fall on my feet. I stay in the physicians' chambers waiting Merlin's return. As he enters, I almost cry with relief. "They've taken him."

"Delay the execution."

"I may be a sorceress, but I'm not a miracle worker."

"Arrhur! I'll speak to Arthur!" A small grin creeps up my face. I haven't done this since we were kids.

"Leave Arthur to me."

I can see Arthur, next to the pyre where Gaius is tied, watching. Doing nothing. Prat. I run as quickly as I can, and I'm still not going to be fast enough, I can feel it.  "Arthur, you've got to stop this."

"I can't." Okay. Game time.

"What can I do to persuade you?"

"Uther won't change his mind. You know that."

"You can stop it, can't you? You're the only one in this castle with a heart." Yes. Surprise, smugness, ha. We'll see who is laughing when I finish this charade.

"Flattered, Morgana. Exactly what am I supposed to take from that statement?"

"Whatever you like." It's been too long, I sound like some tramp you'd run into at the tavern looking for a man to take home for the night.

"Oooooookay. What do I get if I do this for you?" Gaius is on the damn pyre. Emergency tactics.

"A man is about to be killed here, and you're standing doing nothing to help him!" Oh, this is against my better judgement. I'm getting in too deep. No. Gaius will die. And so I press my lips to Arthur's, the one thing I swore I'd never do. "Do it for me." Run, back to Merlin, back to safety in ocean blue, open like the sea instead of hardened by battle. Damn. I just kissed Arthur and ran away. How juvenile am I? But the fire remains unlit. This had better be a humorous story to tell when we're older, not the prelude of a death march. If I did that for nothing...

 

"Sire, the witnesses saw nothing but hallucinations, induced by the belladonna in these eye drops."

"And you bought this belladonna from this man?" The witnesses' heads bobble as they shake furiously. "And you. Where did you get it from? Don't worry, no harm will befall you here." I don't think there is a number equal to how many times I've heard that before in this court, nor the times it has proved to be a lie.

"The witchfinder. He gave them to me."

"Did he tell you what it was for?"

"No, Sire, only that  if I did not sell it I'd be burnt at the stake."

"How do you answer to these accusations, Aredian?"

"They're absurd. The boy has obviously concocted these lies in the hope of saving his master." And no mention of me? Clearly your argument is lacking.

"Then you won't mind if we search your chambers, will you?" No, Merlin, that is not how you do it. You have to make certain he's dug his own grave first.

"Silence! You have no authority here!" And now look. Uther is hacked off again.

"Father, let's settle this once and for all. If what Merlin says is wrong, he must bear the consequences. But if there is some truth in what he says..."

"I have nothing to hide." Don't make a smart-mouthed comment, not even in your head. Focus on the task. Aredian. Proving villains wrong. Right. Fun.

 

"You're wasting your time." Hmm, sounds like we've gotten close and you don't like the odds of your predicament.

"That cabinet over there." Hundreds of amulet rings spill out, with belladonna leaves scattered amongst them. Thank you, Merlin, for checking the evidence.

"These things don't belong to me! This is a trick! That boy plots against me!" Aredian has gone into a coughing fit. I watch a bulge rise through his throat and emerge as a toad from his mouth. Of course, Merlin. You would.

"Sorcerer!" And then the cold metal meets my throat. Aredian holds the dagger close enough to keep me pinned, but not cut into my throat unless I begin to struggle. "Aredian, think about what you're doing. You'll never get out of Camelot alive."

"I will if you value the life of your ward." Uther doesn't value my life. Certainly not as much as his blood son's. My eyes meet Merlin's, seeking comfort in him. He is mouthing words at me, but I cannot understand. Then the dagger starts burning, and Aredian drops it, freeing me from his grasp. I am turning, ready to swing my arm when he falls, staggering through the window like a drunk. It is over. It is over.

 

"So, how often do you get into trouble for using magic?"

"It's not usually that bad."

"Should I be avoiding you?"

"Probably. Speaking of which, why is Arthur avoiding you and turning pink when he sees you?"

"Remember when I said I was going to delay the execution?"

"Vividly."

"I had to resort to weapons I'm not proud of to get Arthur to cooperate. And that's all I'm going to say about that."

"Morganaaaaa!"

"Nope. Ask him yourself."

"Thanks, though."

"You too. And Merlin? Next time, let's try to avoid causing witchfinders to be brought in. God knows this kingdom has enough problems already."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UPDATE: June 4th-Of course I would stop at the episode in which it would be revealed that Arthur and Morgana jokes are made null. So I guess we won't be revisiting that. I have completed an interlude which falls after Sins of the Father, so you'll get a double present since I've had writer's block for a while. I feel like I apologize a lot on here. Would it be in bad taste to say sorry for that too? :) Okay, we're good.
> 
> Oh, and I am now just past A Servant of Two Masters. I know exactly where I plan to go once we get moving further, just bear with me!


	3. The Sins of the Father

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As in canon, Morgana gets a family and a teacher, while spying on Arthur and Merlin. And of course, making some snide remarks involving Uther's diary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I ought to write some interludes, I know, but I have one that will fit in after this, and I’m making headway through that already. I’m sorry about the lack of divergence from canon currently, but we will start to see more and more change soon enough…hopefully.
> 
> I saw the Crystal Cave. And now I know what I did last chapter. That was completely unintentional, meant for relief from all the angst, and apparently it has failed miserably. Needless to say, I retract my statement about the jokes. I have nothing against incestuous stories/writers, but I apologize, I did not mean to insinuate anything. Still Mergana.
> 
> This is going to be a really long author’s note with far too much apology for my taste, but it must be done. I would first like to say that I am sorry for not updating quickly-finals are awful, and I was sort of avoiding this chapter. I wrote two interludes, though, which I will post as soon as I can transcribe them and after this. I have been avoiding this since very few changes are made, but they are essential. I do know where I’m going with this story now. This will be more of a prequel to a follow-up, because the only difference from canon in this is Morgana and Merlin’s relationship and her knowledge of his magic. Big changes will occur once this is all over, but for now it’s just more dramatic. I should go finish this so that you can read some original thoughts.
> 
> Okay, here I am again. Third time coming back to this chapter. I really don’t like it. I’m also on coffee staying up the whole night to finish this and give you other bits to read. This will not be proofread and will be fresh off the press. I apologize in advance for anything you catch, and please feel free to correct me on some issues.
> 
> ACK! My mom just took my charger. I take it back, this laptop sometimes is screwy, so you probably won’t get this tonight. Insert annoyed sounds.
> 
> Alrighty then. The last bit: Thank you to the lovely reviewers, as well as A Girl of Many Fandoms 88, Destinyseeker91, Megagalvatron12, redfang119, SpiesOfTheYellowKingdom, The Phoenix or the Flame, and mgaudry for favouriting/putting on story alert. Reviewers, I have responses for you at the end of this chapter.
> 
> Disclaimer: Merlin, not mine. This, however, is completely mine.

 

She came last night. She took out five guards and proceeded to challenge Arthur once inside Camelot’s gates. I cannot shake the feeling that this woman is familiar. I have no recollection of her name, or her appearance. Still, something lingers, a trace of a past I wish I could see. Those haunted by memories don’t know what they have until it is taken from them. It is far better to dwell in pain than to be left to wonder where years of your life have disappeared to. I don’t know what my father’s face looked like, or the village I grew up in. Instead I am left with Camelot, watching children hung for practicing magic. Pleasant.

            I find myself on the tournament grounds against my better judgment, waiting to see Arthur against the almost-stranger. Have these plains ever held a woman before now? I saw the looks of shock on all of the knights’ faces last night when Morgause revealed herself. Clearly her candidacy is unlikely, but if her participating were against the code, Uther would have called it by now. She is just as skillful as Arthur, and will humiliate him if-oh, why not be optimistic, when she beats him. I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he loses to a woman.

            “The fight follows the Knight’s Rules and is to the death,” Uther announces. My blood turns cold as Arthur unsheathes his sword. To the death? The thought of him losing suddenly doesn’t seem as amusing. I suppose I ought to know the meanings of the knights challenges by now, or what the Knight’s Rules even means, but most of the time when I am in attendance, I’m only half paying attention. It’s much more fun to make snarky remarks to Gwen.

            Arthur blocks all of her advances and begins on the offensive. Metal clangs against metal, as two equal soldiers battle each other. And then Morgause is robbed of her sword, and caught in the arm by Arthur’s. Arthur is fighting for his life; I will not make a joke about disarming, not now. He steps back, allowing her to retrieve the sword from the ground. Arthur, what are you doing? She doesn’t care. Just fight her. As they settle back into the fighting pattern, Morgause overtakes Arthur and points her weapon at his chest, his own laying useless on the ground. But nothing happens. They stand like that for a good sixty seconds before leaving the grounds intact. Is that allowed?

 

            I find Merlin on his way back from Arthur’s chambers. “So, how is he taking it?”

“About as well as can be expected. Where are we going?”

“My room. So, fill me in on every detail of Arthur’s miserable existence.”

“He sent me to her room last night to give her a chance to withdraw, but she didn’t take it. He was at the disadvantage, he couldn’t fight a woman.”

“Well, of course she didn’t withdraw; she knew what she wanted when she came, his request would have seemed cowardly. And Arthur feels no shame in fighting women. He just loses to them.”

“She-oh, here we are, she basically said the same thing. So now he’s in his room sulking because he was beaten by a girl.” I knew that was coming. “But on the field, when they stood still at the end? She told him he must accept a challenge, in 3 days, and he has no idea what it entails.”

“And he accepted.” Of course he did.

“She would have impaled him if he declined.” But he’s going to follow through. He could do nothing now that he’s safe, but he won’t, because he’s Arthur.

“I’m going to talk to her.”

“Morgana, you can’t just tell her to stay away from Arthur, she-”

“I wasn’t planning on it. I just want to meet her.” Most foes of Arthur tend to be friends of mine.

“Watch out for swords.”

“What?” Is that code? ‘Watch out for swords’?

“When I went into her chambers, she had a sword at my chest before I could turn to look for her.”

“Maybe that’s because you ought to learn how to exercise caution. I’ll be back soon. Hopefully not impaled.”  I grin at the expression of incredulity on his face, and sweep out of the room. Morgause’s chambers are close to mine, three suits of armor forward, a left turn, and two doors down. When my fingers tap on the door, they echo, though the sound is still soft. I slowly push it open. “Hello?” Okay, that’s not exactly what I’d call a friendly face she’s making at me right now. “I don’t mean to intrude…just to introduce myself. I’m the Lady Morgana.” Wow. How is it I manage to sound as awkward as Merlin while conceited, using my title for intimidation?

“I know who you are.” Of course. But do you know because we’ve met or because you have heard of me? What do people say about me? Wait, I’ve been silent for far too long...a topic, any topic-

“How is your arm? You were wounded.” Exactly how do I expect it to be? It must be hurt, but clearly she is content.

“I will heal. You, however, look tired.” Oh, please, no. Please don’t know. Don’t all people look tired sometimes? Yes. She won’t be staying long enough to figure it out.

“I…haven’t been sleeping.” There. It could be taken as restlessness during the night or as nightmares, neither of which are suspicious to those who never knew the Old Religion.

“I know for myself the troubles that plague you.” I want to whisper, to ask, ‘Are you like me?’ But I cannot risk the chance that she is heartless, turning me in to Uther without a second’s thought. Okay, façade is over. I have to know this.

“Have we met before?”

“No, but I am glad that we have now.” Strange, that my mind feels I have encountered her before. But it may be the magic. Perhaps Merlin knows. Stop thinking to yourself, and make small talk, it’s not that hard!

“That’s a beautiful bracelet.”

“It was a gift from my mother. I would like you to have it. It is a healing bracelet-you will be able to get some sleep.” What I wouldn’t give for a peaceful sleep. However, I cannot take this woman’s bracelet.

“I’ll be fine. You need it more than I.”

“I do hope you’ll remember me fondly.” I have only just begun to meet you, and yet I still feel your presence is familiar. There is no way for me to hate you.

“But of course.”

* * *

When she rode out last night, I caught sight of her eyes. For just a moment, their brown hue turned citrine. She is like me, like Merlin. We are not alone.

* * *

Three days have come and passed. I am no sure when she had the time to give me the bracelet, but I thank her profusely for it. I have never slept so well in my life, long enough to stay unconscious for hours past noon. So this is what it is like, to have some semblance of normality. I find it wonderful, having to tell Gwen the time to rouse me. I cannot be allowed to sleep today of all days. Merlin will surely accompany Arthur to find Morgause. I still have not made up my mind. Do I stay here, and wonder all my days who she was? Or ought I to follow them, to meet her? No, I have Merlin. But if Merlin is gone, gallivanting off with Arthur? Oh, this is a bad idea. I know it, and yet I still cannot help myself from pursuing her. I suppose I’ll just…go riding. And possibly stumble upon Morgause. No denial involved there, of course.

* * *

Somehow, they know where they are going. Merlin spends most of his spare time with me, so he cannot have been told which way to go. Arthur has been in a pout, avoiding meeting her eyes or passing her in the halls. So how is it that both of them seem to have confidence in this path they have taken? I stay just far enough away to keep them within my line of vision without being spotted. While Merlin’s heavy treading makes them easily tracked, I stay silent, keeping to the shadows. “What is wrong with this horse? It’s dumber than you, Merlin, I thought that impossible.” For two people trying to keep quiet about what they are doing, they can’t seem to keep their mouths shut. Arthur’s horse takes a sharp veer to the right, nearly tossing him off of it.

“I thought you said it was to the left.”  
“Morgause told me I’d know the way. The horse knows.”

“So we’re following a horse that’s apparently dumber than me?”

“Sod off, Merlin.” I don’t think I can take an entire day of this. How Merlin puts up with Arthur’s prattish behavior is beyond me. I suppose it would be easier if I knew I had to or I would be fired, but I certainly couldn’t tolerate it as well as Merlin does.

            Most of the journey passes smoothly, with Arthur and Merlin continuously trying to outwit each other, and failing miserably. I have no problems until the bandits appear. They are screaming, and-too close. I raise my hand and watch them fall like dominoes around me. Ahead, Merlin has been knocked from his horse and is fighting with his own magic. Not a good idea, can’t you see Arthur right there? Of course, being an idiot, Arthur merely comments on Merlin’s laziness, spotting him lying down on the forest floor. If only you knew.

            “I think you’re going to get wet.”  
            “You don’t say.” Arthur’s horse has led him into a lake, and he does nothing to diverge from the path. They pass through a giant waterfall, and vanish. With the threat of being heard gone, I dig my heels in to the horse’s sides, urging her to go faster. I cannot lose them, not now.

            Finally, we reach a clearing where Morgause waits. She smiles at the arrival of the prince, but I see her eyes drifting to where I stand, in enough coverage to hide from Arthur, but be visible to her. “Arthur Pendragon. I was unsure if you would come.”  
“I made a promise to you. What is the nature of your challenge?”

“Lay your head on that block of wood.” What? Oh, he’s actually doing it. This is bad. Am I just going to stand and watch? What should I do?  
“Arthur…”Merlin begins.

“I gave her my word, Merlin.” Did you have to follow through, though? She picks up an ax, all too gleefully for my taste, and prepares to swing. Arthur’s face has contorted, as he struggles to stay calm, to not move his head away. I cannot watch him die. But this is his doing. Her ax swings, cutting through the air to stop at his neck. Is this some sort of psychological torture? Maybe she is a sadist.   
“Very good, Arthur Pendragon. You have passed my test. In return, I shall grant you one wish.” What is she playing at? She almost kills him, then decides to play genie?

“You told me you knew my mother. What can you tell me about her?” And there’s the real reason we’ve traveled this far. It’s the one button of Arthur’s I never push. We don’t talk about the old family.

“I can show you her, if you want.” Nothing can bring back the dead. Can it?

“Please.” The desperation is evident, and I always thought I would laugh cruelly the day I heard it. Instead I am filled with pity. I was always jealous of Arthur. He had one parent, while I was a foster child raised by the king. Blatant favoritism ensued. But now, seeing him, almost reduced to begging, it makes me want to sob.

            “Mum?” The woman before us is breathtaking. The tales of the beautiful Ygraine are certainly true.

“Arthur.” It is unmistakable, the love in her voice. And as they embrace, I have to close off my emotions to keep from crying, just watching them. “The last time I saw you, you were just a baby. You’re all grown up.”  
“I’m sorry.”  
“Why should you be?”

“You would be alive if you hadn’t given birth to me.” No, Arthur, don’t do that. She will argue that until the day you join her, but I know you will never believe her.

“It is your father who is to blame.” What.

“What do you mean?”  
“It matters not. Do not feel guilty over me, my son. I am only grateful to have a chance to speak with you.”  
“What did he do to you?”

“Arthur…”  
“Tell me!” Oh, this can’t be good.

“I…I couldn’t conceive, and he needed an heir. He went to see a sorceress. Nimueh. You were born through magic.”  
“That can’t be right.”

“I’m sorry, Arthur, but your father has lied to all of us. To create a life, a life must be taken. He paid the price with my life, to get you.”  
“No. No, you must have misunderstood, something-”

“Don’t think if I had known I would have chosen differently. I would accept this fate a thousand times over, just to see you now, my son, my love. Do not let this knowledge change how you think of yourself, or your father.” And with that she vanishes. Who would leave now, after imparting crucial information to their only child, a child they have only seen once before an untimely death?

“Bring her back!” That was rude. Understandable, but rude, nevertheless. Arthur has a nasty habit of screaming at everyone. That needs to be remedied one day. The look in Morgause’s eyes is one of pain and sorrow.

“I cannot. Once the door to the spirit world is shut, it can never be reopened. I apologize that you had to learn the horrific truths in such a fashion. I cannot imagine your pain and betrayal at this time. I wish you a better fortune than what I have witnessed tonight.” She makes eye contact with me, and then withdraws into the shadows.

“Merlin. We ride for Camelot.”

            I wait for them to leave before preparing to find her. But the gesture is wasted. As I turn, my breath hitches in my throat. She is standing just behind me, a ghost of a smile playing around her lips.

“So, have they told you of your birth secret?” What is wrong with our family? I suppose by all technicalities, I’m not part of the Pendragon family. But they are the only one I can recall, so I have treated them as such.

“And what is this information you so eagerly dangle above my head?” Yes. It’s biting, yet straight to the point. Sometimes a talent for sarcasm comes in handy.

“Vivienne had an affair, with a man other than Gorlois. She sired a child, namely, me. You’re my half-sister.” I have family. A blood relative, who can do magic, just as me, and she is mine.

“Aren’t you supposed to not say that so bluntly? Hint around at it first, then state it once it’s clear I’m too slow to realize your implications?”  
“Darling, I don’t have time to waste. Now, I’m not an idiot, you’re a Seer. Those nightmares? They’re visions. You know, in case you hadn’t figured that out yet. But you’re in Camelot’s palace. Residing with the king, I bet you don’t get much education. Would you like to study under me?” I knew what they were. Merlin told me as much. And a teacher would be wonderful, but I also have Merlin. Well, neither needs to know of the other. I’ll just learn twice as quickly.

“Yes, please.”  
“Excellent. I’ll place a charm on your horse to speed your return. No doubt those search parties are not only looking for the prince, but for you as well, and you’ll need time for a decent cover story.”  
“I went looking for Arthur.” I did think up a cover story, along the way, just as a precaution.

“Wonderful, then. I believe I will be seeing you shortly.”

* * *

The ride back is swifter than the arrival. Before, I had to linger due to the lumbering pace Arthur and Merlin set. Now I am free to dig my heels in, press for more power, and take advantage of the charm Morgause placed. I can feel my hair flying behind me, as I lean in to the horse’s mane. This is freedom.

I can hear the shouting long before I approach the council chamber. My hand turns the knob both directions, but it won't budge.  
"Milady, the doors are locked, and with good reason. It is best-  
"Oh, spare me the story, and don't get in my way, Leon." I do love when people realize that I'm more than a pretty face. I grab a pin out of my hair. When I was younger, I would play spy and see how long it took for Uther to notice me. Once they took to locking the doors, I got creative. Might have gotten some knights exiled, but, it's a fair price, I suppose. The locks still haven't been changed. Nine seconds, and I am in.  
"How could you?" Arthur is yelling, pleading. This isn't the right place, the right time, stop making a scene.  
"I did what I had to do for the sake of this kingdom!" No. You condemned us to a life of misery, because of one mistake you made.  
"My mother is dead because of you. How many others' lives have you taken this way, because they had magic? Because of your shortcomings?" Too many. Far too many.  
"Has Morgause enchanted you? You know as well as I magic is inherently evil." No and no. He does this because he is reckless, but he does have some sense. He knows we are not evil.  
"You used magic yourself! You are nothing but a hypocrite, slaughtering your own people for your crimes!" Yes. Thank you, Arthur. You finally understand.  
"I am not only your father. I am your king. You will show me the respect I deserve." Bastard! After all you've done, the sins you've committed, you expect him to be courteous? Arthur throws something off of his wrist. I know that thing. It's what Morgause issued her challenge with. Oh...this does not bode well...  
"Pick it up." I want him dead as much as you do, but this is rash.  
"Are you mad?" Yes.  
"Pick it up."  
"No." For the first time in your life, Uther, you are an honorable man.  
"If you choose not to defend yourself, the fight becomes much easier."  
"You wouldn't kill your father."  
"You are not my father." Long ago, I disowned Uther. I pretended to forgive him, but there is still resentment, strengthened by my newfound secrets. Now both his ward and son have given up on him. I do not wish for anyone to feel as I do. But I know he does now. He feels the world hates him, wants to kill him. Everyone he knows has turned away from him.  
"I don't want to fight you." But still they do, father and son, locked in a death match. One is driven by hate, the other a will to live. I never thought I'd root for Arthur. While the method isn't great, it's rash and brutal, he will take the throne. And just to spite his father in death, he would revoke the magical ban. Fairytale come true, right?

The doors burst open, to reveal Merlin. What is he doing here?  
"Arthur, you really don't want this." Why not?  
"He killed my mother. You heard her, you saw her!"  
"It was just Morgause. She's a sorceress, she tricked you. For all we know she transfigured herself into Ygraine and lied." No, I don't buy into that for one moment.   
"How would you know? What if it's real?"  
"Think about it! Once Camelot's leader falls, it's susceptible to attack. This was her plan." Merlin, shut up.

Arthur addresses his father. "Swear to it. Swear you didn't murder her."  
"On my life, I swear I loved your mother. The day of her death was the worst day of my life. She was everything to me." With a clang, Arthur's sword falls. Is he truly so daft he may be fooled by something so simple as words? Well, I suppose that's not too surprising. Prat. I notice Uther mentions nothing of his role in her death. Only her passing. That's not suspicious at all.  
"I'm sorry," Arthur whispers.  
"It is Morgause who is to blame, not you." No. Not my sister. You, Uther Pendragon, will regret the day you pinned your sins on my kin.

* * *

"I had to stop them."

"Why, though?" That ridiculous mirror keeps on breaking. I need a better outlet than my dresser to lose control on.  
"If he killed Uther, he would never be the same. He would never forgive himself." As much as I appreciate Merlin looking out for Arthur, I don't believe he'd be guilty. Not if he were avenging his mum.  
"I personally am in favor of a changed Arthur. A less moronic version is preferred." We both smile a little at the idea. Arthur version 1.5.  
"So, I have to tell you, Uther visited me today." Mirror shatters. Again.  
"What? Why? And don't fix it until you leave my room, we'll never get anything done if we keep repairing random junk I break.  
"He told me I was a constant ally in the war against magic." The corner of his mouth twitches when I double over in laughter.  
"You? His ally? Quite honestly, I'm in shock you're not on his blacklist of 'people who so obviously have magic it's nauseating but I love Arthur so it's all good'."  
"Yeah, that doesn't exist."  
"He has a diary."  
"Two obvious lies in a row? Really, Morgana, don't even try at this point."  
"I found it when I was a kid. He keeps it in his nightstand."  
"And what's in it?"  
"Lists of girls suitable for Arthur to marry, accounts of treaties signed, his Great Camelot Novel, the works."  
"We're reading it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yep. The charger ran out, so I finished at 2:19 AM on my Ereader's notes app after a break. But you don't care. I will transcribe the next two chapters and post all in the morning...not sure when classifies as morning now.
> 
> Reviewers! All of you, you are my favorites. You gave me feedback on what to do, and that took time, and I love you all. So here you get recognition.  
> From Fanfiction.net: 
> 
> ProcrastinationIsMyCrime: You didn't rain on my parade at all! As stated before, I appreciate people bothering to help me fix issues. You pointed out a major flaw, which is semi-fixed, and also showed me something else I caught while looking for that scene: Morgana was filling up Gwen's role. The entire reason I accidentally wrote an incest scene (does kissing count as incest?) was to show Morgana is much more manipulative. She does whatever she wants to get her way. I'm paying much more attention now to plotting details that are merely shown in the series, so thank you. The next chapter especially includes this kind of attention.
> 
> Just Crucio It: I've tried to incorporate more thoughts recently. The main reason for that problem is I always feel long-winded, giving a thought after each sentence spoken. But then again, I suppose that's what happens in real life. I'm unhappy with this ending, but I don't feel like she had any quarrel with Merlin's comments, so she's not making critiques the way she does to poor Arthur.  
> Thank you for your compliments, and for reviewing.
> 
> SpiesOfTheYellowKingdom: I'm so glad you liked it! My apologies for mot getting this out sooner. I've been working on future chapters while avoiding Freya and taking finals. I actually finished Merlin while I was supposed to be studying. I regret nothing. Thank you-I literally jumped up and down and danced around my room after reading your review.
> 
> From Archive of Our Own:   
> So, I wrote the note from the author earlier, probably before I even put this story on AO3. Since my computer's still down, for once chapter only, the Kudos-ers get recognized down here. Thanks to AriFitzsimmons, GabbyLuv23, tricksterash, and a guest for leaving kudos!
> 
> AriFitzsimmons: You know, today I was considering stopping. I have two one-shots I can't get out of my head, and I thought about permanent hiatus because I couldn't bring myself to write this chapter. But I saw this review, and I said, let's do this. And now it's 2:43 AM and I've made progress. I hope I didn't disappoint. Strange, my shortest review had the most impact. Congratulations, and thank you.
> 
> Watty: I hate you all. I had fics posted from 2 years ago I just took down. Not even one to tell me it was awful. Thanks, guys. Really feeling the love here.
> 
> Luna: My first chapter has not yet been validated on this site, so there were no reviews. No hatred for this, since it hasn’t been posted and can’t be read. Obviously.


	4. Spartacus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morgana is just as much of an idiot as Merlin. And Arthur is a prat as usual. Nothing surprising there.
> 
> Morgana messes up and nearly kills Gwen. And then herself, Merlin, and Arthur. Oops.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I just spent an hour uploading to all my different accounts across the great and wonderful Internet. I need better time management skills…and better ways to upload all this. As such, I had few reviews and am transcribing a piece I wrote months ago. It’s a nice break from the information we already knew, but it reads a bit too much like filler to me. Really, I’m just playing for time because I don’t want to deal with Morgana during Lady of the Lake.
> 
> Thank you to Glacier22 from ff.net for following, and a guest on AO3 for the kudos!

“Merlin, it’s happening again.” I look over towards my bedpost, where cracks have begun to splinter. So far, Gwen has said nothing.

“Are you taking your sleeping draught?”  
“You mean my prescribed suppressant?” The moment I stopped my sleeping draughts, due to the bracelet, my magic became ten times as strong. I sneaked a vial out to Morgause. The potion was laced with ingredients that limit an enchantress’s abilities.

“Morgana…” No. Please don’t argue this with me.

“I can’t go back, Merlin, not now.” I can feel it in my bones, radiating out into every part of me. A desperate need for my magic to not stay in the dark anymore, growing stronger. Morgause’s lessons are grueling, testing my magic until it breaks. As awful as it may feel, it is invigorating, knowing I’m exhausted due to such a power. Merlin’s eyes flicker, between a shade of doubt and pity. They are like the ocean sometimes, so calm from a distance, but once closer, you see the turmoil.

“Come with me.” It is strange to be able to walk with such a purpose through the castle, and not worry about being caught. The knights pay us no heed, though Arthur gives Merlin a look I cannot decipher as he passes. I follow Merlin to his room, a complete disarray of belongings and clutter. “Icthay neamen dorsius!”  A thick, leather-bound book appears in the midst of the chaos erupted onto the floor of Merlin’s quarters.

“Okay. You can make things invisible. And back to opaque. That’s easy, right?” Merlin barks out a laugh, and my heart sinks.

“That one took me weeks-no, maybe a month.” Oh. Well, no invisibility tricks for me then. Such a pity. I would abuse that power. Make Arthur think he was insane…actually drive him insane by tricking him into thinking he was mad. “No, the point was that I’m lending you this book. Gaius is lending it to me, and I’m still pretending like I haven’t told you about my magic.” Please. Merlin spends so much time around me; it would be a miracle if Gaius were still in the dark. Still, I refrain from commenting. It would be awful to give up these few moments of bliss. “Morgana? You still there?” I shake myself from my thoughts. “As I was saying, basically, if you don’t find a place for this, we’re all doomed. Don’t let Gwen see it.” Gwen. Sweet, loyal Gwen. Would she turn on me if she knew? On Merlin? I suppose it would be for the best if she never found out about all of this.

“Thank you, Merlin.” I mean it. Many of my thanks have been given without true gratitude, merely as a formality. But this is a sign of trust. And I appreciate that more than words can express.

“Glad I could be of help.” He shoots me a tentative smile as he entrusts me with the book of secrets. As I begin to leave, I feel the urge to say more. But what else is there to say? Shaking my head, I continue walking, book tightly held against my chest.

 

* * *

 

 

“Gwen, have you seen my bracelet?” My eyes skim the nightstand, the dresser, anywhere I might have left it. I cannot return to the sleeping draughts.

“Not since yesterday, milady. You’re not wearing it?” Without the bracelet the nightmares will come. They will find me, terrorize me, and seek me out like a cat hunts a mouse, toying with its food. I burned the bridge for sleeping draughts the day I found out I was not alone. I must find this bracelet.

“Gwen, please check in here. I have to check around the castle, maybe I dropped it.” I have the book securely hidden; she will not find it. Could I have left my bracelet with Merlin? Surely he would have returned it to me, if he had found it? “Arthur!” I run at the sight of him, the usual repulsiveness subdued by what his presence entails. “Have you seen Merlin?”  
“Mucking out the stables. He wouldn’t shut up about you. It got annoying.” Please, please, have it.”  
“What about me?” My heart hitches in my chest.

“Jewelry, I think? For your birthday?” Arthur, you’re awful at listening. Don’t you ever pay attention?

“How long ago?”

“Early evening? It’s his job to keep track of the time, not mine.” Ah, this is why I usually hate you. Helpful as always. I nearly knock a suit of armor down to the ground as I fly. My feet slap the floor, and I run to the stables.

 

* * *

 

“Merlin!”

“Watch out, there’s a mess.” I don’t care, I’ll watch my step, just please have it.

“Have you seen my bracelet?”

“Dropped it off in my room earlier. I was going to give it straight to you, but Arthur caught me and sent me here. The clot-pole.” Yes. Oh, thank goodness. There is no love lost for the nightly tortures I used to suffer.

“Thank you.” Yes. I am safe. I am safe.

“Morgana?” His eyes flit around. Ah, good. He’s gained some common sense. “Did you conceal it?”

“Yes-” It’s a Saturday. Gwen will be changing the sheets. “Yes, I have to go.” I don’t stop to say goodbye, won’t go back for the bracelet. I have to find Gwen.

* * *

 

 

“Gwen?” I don’t believe I’ve ever run that quickly, not even to save Gaius’ life. What does that say about me? That I have a shred of self-preservation? Or that I’m heartless?

“Yes, milady?” Oh, there’s hesitation in her voice, that’s not good.

“The search is off; I found it in Merlin’s room.”

“Why…oh. Okay, then. Will that be all?”

“Yes. Thank you, Gwen.” No mention of the book. Good. I glance over to the bed. New sheets. Climbing down onto my knees, I slip my hand between the mattress and the box spring, where the book ought to sit. It is nowhere to be found.

________________________________________________________________________  


“Morgana!”

“Arthur?” Oh, this can’t be good. Why are there so many corridors in this castle? I would be content to never see his face again.

“I need to ask you a question.” Well, I did assume you weren’t randomly screaming my name in the middle of the otherwise empty hall.

“Do you need my permission?” His eyes flit around. Interesting. That’s what I do, when I’m checking to ensure Merlin and I are alone before speaking of secrets.

“What would you do if you thought that someone you loved was practicing magic?” Subtle. Are you expecting me to convict myself?

“Hypothetically? I’d try to get them to admit it. But only if I had suspicious evidence.” Oh, good, I just gave Arthur an excuse to badger me with questions pertaining to magic. “What brought this on? Here come with me.” Don’t run, that’s when you look the most conspicuous. Walk briskly and with a purpose. None will question you. I lock the door of my room and turn to face him. “So, who do you think has been practicing magic?” Please, don’t say me. Worse, Merlin. I will take the fall, this is my fault.

“Guinevere.” Gwen? My Gwen? Dependable, dear Gwen? Is everyone in Camelot a sorcerer?

            “Gwen. You must be joking.” Perfect. Scathing, do not show fear. No cryptic hints, fun as they may be.

“I came across a book at her flat, detailing incantations and their use.” Found my book-shit. Gwen has seen my book. Arthur I can easily convince. Gwen has solid evidence.

“Why were you at her flat in the first place? Never mind, I get the feeling I don’t want to know. But she could have packed it up from anywhere, had it planted on her, or, most likely, you’re a prat who goes through her belongings and makes false judgments about what he can’t interpret.” I hate how much I’ve missed this.

“I think I’ll take your advice from earlier. Thanks for the insults, Morgana.” He says it with a slight smile, and less unease than previously expressed, though it is I who should be uneasy at this point. The moment he closes the door, I sink into a chair. How do I fix this without incriminating myself or Merlin?

* * *

 

“What’s going on?” Merlin’s voice comes out as a whisper to me, while I stride into the council chamber.

“I don’t know.” I have a sneaking suspicion it has something to do with the book, though. But Arthur would never report Gwen. For all his shortcomings, he is loyal to those he loves. I can see his eyes, wide and completely trained on Gwen, who gives him a slightly baffled look. Ever so helpful in the feigning normalcy game, Arthur.

“Guinevere Thomas,” Uther’s voice rings, “Come forth.” Gwen shudders a bit as she steps forward, into the center of the empty hall. “A knight was told he could find the prince at your flat yesterday afternoon, assisting you in this…time of need.” Yes, because you killed her father. Uther becomes somber for a moment, then hardens. “While my son was gone, this book was found in your possession. It details magic. You know the laws of this kingdom. What explanation do you have for these actions?” You sit on your throne of lies, Uther. I know why you fight against the inevitable, why you cower in your council room while sending innocents to the gallows. You cannot face your own mistakes. Instead, more must die every day.

“What you see is clear evidence, sire. I am a sorceress. Should I expect to be hung at dawn?” What are you doing, Gwen? Not only have you admitted to committing treason, you mocked the king! Oh, I am going to regret this.

“She’s lying to help me. The book was in my chambers, and she hid it to help me.” The look of shock on Uther’s face will be worth my death, as he sends his ward to the gallows for defying him.

“Morgana, you don’t have to lie. The book is mine.” Merlin’s eyes shoot across at me, warning me to shut up. “I’ve-“

            “Merlin, we’re not all idiots,” Arthur drawls. “Father, the book belongs to me. I confiscated it off of a Druid. I was bringing it back to Camelot and left it at Guinevere’s.” Since when has Arthur been a better liar than me? Or a better planner?

            “Very well. Guards, release her.” Uther’s eyes hold distrust, glancing to rest on Gwen, Arthur, Merlin, and finally on me. I will pay for this later.

* * *

 

            “We need to stop meeting in here. Gaius already suspects me of who knows what. He keeps glaring at me in the halls.” But the physician’s chambers are one of the few places we can speak in solitude. “By the way, I told Arthur I would return this,” I say, tossing the book at Merlin. “I did not state, however, to whom I would return it.” I allow myself a slight smirk at Arthur’s expense.

“You need it more than I do.”

“I can’t risk Gwen ever finding it again. If I ever have need of it, I’ll come visit you. Oh, and there’s another thing. How do we explain this to Gwen and Arthur? They know their testimonies were falsified.”

“Do you remember Mordred, the Druid boy? We could say he left it here when he was in your care, and you came across it just recently.” Why couldn’t I have thought of that before Gwen was convicted?

“You know, you’re not as thick as Arthur makes you out to be.”

“Why would you ever accept Arthur’s word as true?”

“Good point. And Merlin? I’m sorry.” The words feel strange coming from my mouth, though it is sincere. Most of my apologies have been given to Uther, used as a way of evading trouble than actually deriving meaning.

“For future reference, leave the muck-ups to me. I don’t think Camelot could survive with two of us.” I give a small smile as I leave, and draw my cloak about me. There is something I must do.

* * *

 

“Hello sister. Have you been practicing?” The chocolate eyes of Morgause glitter underneath the dark sky.

“Of course.”  
“Good. Let us begin, then.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: In case you haven’t figured this out, I’m a procrastinator. All I had to do was transcribe this and I waited days to do this. And I may have lied. I’m only ¾ of the way done the next interlude. But it’s important. This was finished as of June third. And you’re only getting it now. Sorry about that.
> 
>  
> 
> Reviews!
> 
>  
> 
> Fanfiction.net:
> 
> Whatswiththemustache: Thank you for pointing that out! I have not used this site’s line break policy before. AO3 just has me use one space, and Wattpad doesn’t have the lines at all. Hopefully this chapter had more detail…I didn’t notice it when I was transcribing though. Thank you for your assistance!
> 
> Lady Flurryous: Thank you! I feel like we have only moments in the show where Morgana’s true colors come out, and that’s when she’s ticked off. But inside her head, she’s always making biting remarks. Thank you for the encouragement!
> 
>  
> 
> Archive of Our Own:
> 
> Has been silent. I shall forgive due to the short amount of time.
> 
>  
> 
> Wattpad:
> 
> Get a life and review! Please? TWO YEARS!
> 
>  
> 
> Lunaescence:
> 
> The moderators have lives and cannot validate my story. It is sad, but I must cope.


	5. Like Fire and Powder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a huge dragon underneath the cellar of Morgana's home. And she's only just found out it has mixed feelings about her. So there's that. Plus some interesting revelations that originate from Arthur, of all people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Wow. I catch a lot more mistakes when I’m transcribing, and a lot more lack of detail. I ought to do this more often, except it’s a right pain. I really don’t want to start writing Lady of the Lake. But I must. And I should tell you, I lied. I was not finished this because I hate writing romance. It’s…I keep reading other romance fanfiction and realizing mine is far from perfect. So I've also been avoiding the latter quarter of this piece, because I prefer a colder Morgana attitude towards everyone. Hopefully this doesn’t blow up in my face.
> 
> Really quickly: Huge thanks to jennamzitel for favoriting/following! Archive of Our Own shows I have one person subscribing to me as an author, and three others who are subscribing to this story. It will not give me their usernames to congratulate them here. Whoever you are, the sentiment is posted here!
> 
> Okay, more confession time: Once again, I began transcribing in the morning and became sidetracked by the greatness of Avengers fanfiction. Archive of Our Own has the best ones. But what I really want to go look for is a Morgana x Loki story. That would be perfect. I’m done.
> 
> Disclaimer: Guys, I totally own Merlin, I created this series. Wait, that was a dream. Also, the title is taken from a quote in Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, said by Friar Laurence. I have mixed feelings over that one. I love tragedy. I hate the stereotypes, but I keep reminding myself, ‘No, these were when they were first used. This was actual originality.’ It doesn't work. You don’t care. Anyway, this is the quote:  
> ‘These violent delights  
> Have violent ends  
> And in their triumph die  
> Like fire and powder,  
> Which, as they kiss,  
> Consume’

a

“So, when do you care to explain why we’re in the basement of a castle in the dead of the night? Are we seriously looking for trouble? Because I find that it tends to pop up enough already without your help.” The flames from Merlin’s torch dance precariously close to my hair, and stray embers fall onto my skin.

“Just go with it, Morgana.” There was a time when I was afraid to be left alone in the dark, with barely any light to guide me. Those days are long gone now. Darkness provides a cover for me to hide, shelters me from the storm.

“Schptay ist lecht,” I whisper, and the flames of the torch take the shape of Merlin’s face. His own remains impassive as he walks down the stairs.

 

“We’re here.” There’s a dragon. It’s chained to a rock, stay calm, keep it together, THERE IS A DRAGON! Its body is monumental, wings that could take out legions, and a head longer than me. And in the few seconds I have to marvel in shock and wonder at it, fire is coming at me. I don’t think, I don’t run as a sane person would, but my hand jerks up and words flow from my mouth. As if met by a wall, the fire cannot touch us. When did I learn that spell? Surely I would remember it.  So I have an instinctual fire-repellent response. I suppose it came in handy today. The dragon ends his wrath as he realizes he cannot burn us.

“Thanks, Merlin. Any other time you want to get us killed, would you mind alerting me?” But he does not pay heed to me.

“What was that for?” His scream echoes in the abyss, and the dragon narrows its eyes at me.

 

“Morgana Pendragon.” And it can talk. Or drawl at least.  Okay, nothing strange about this. Especially that it knows my name. “They have said many things about you. I never dreamed that I would have the _honor_ of meeting you.” Sarcasm that cuts like glass, but speaks softly. This dragon wouldn’t be so bad, if his words were aimed at any other than me.

“And what, exactly, is that supposed to mean?”

“I suppose it is only fitting you two would arrive together. You are each other’s destiny. Yet you will be each other’s downfall.  There are ancient prophecies, created by one you have both encountered before. Do you remember the boy Mordred?” The Druid boy, how could I forget? He watched his own father’s death from my window. “There are stories going back to the ancient Druids about you, but the most recent say this:

 

They are coming to bring about a new time

She who begins in the darkness must turn to the light

Emrys’ triumph would be her salvation

Once she begins to raise the new nation.

 

But this cannot come without a cost

After both succumb to love’s labor’s lost

Blood shall be spilt by the heartless queen

And Camelot will be consumed by flame

 

Out from the ashes Camelot’s king comes

The Queen to death by magic shall succumb

He can bring magic once more to the land

But both gladness and death will be wrought by his hand.” Oh. That’s cheerful.

“These are but a few of the prophecies concerning your futures. Many speak of you bringing about a reign of evil. Yet others say you will be alongside Emrys to create Albion. Your destiny is shrouded in mystery, Morgana Pendragon. Make of it what you will.” Merlin is grinning at the look on my face.

“Yeah. He’s always like that. Just hope he doesn’t continuously harp on about your destiny.” Um, okay?

“So Emrys, what brings you to drag Uther’s ward here?” Merlin is Emrys? Who the dragon just referenced? Okay, what is it that Emrys is capable of again?

“Well, I’d assumed you wouldn’t breathe flames at her. Just as a common courtesy. But she’s like me, she has magic, and I can’t hold all the answers. Would you be able to help her as you have helped me?”

“Certainly, young warlock. Though remember what I said before. There are many things said about Morgana Pendragon. Not all of them are favorable.” Does he realize I’m standing right here? As he tells me I will turn cold like the ice, and doom my kingdom?

 

“Thank you. Let’s go, Morgana. How long has that been there?” He gestures to the flames of his torch, still showing his face.

“Since before we started speaking to a dragon.” I smile a bit at the notion. What would Uther say if he knew I was talking to a dragon? Well, actually, I know exactly what he would say. “Thank you for your honesty; you shall be executed in the morning.” Merlin grins back at me.

“Right…maybe I should’ve warned you, rather than keeping it a surprise.”  
“I’m beginning to see why Arthur hates you.”

“Arthur loves me.”

“Just keep telling yourself that.” I smirk to myself when Merlin offers no response. There is something satisfying in having the last word. In all actuality, Arthur does value Merlin. He’s just too proud to admit it. “Merlin, I begin, wondering if I ought to let myself think it, “what if I get lost? When I come here alone?”

“Don’t.” Oh, there’s a lovely thought. Here, Morgana, come meet the talking dragon who doesn’t trust you in the dead of night, in the basement of Camelot’s securest palace, where you could get lost and never be found again. I must congratulate Merlin for his superb planning. However, at least we’ll have a place to speak in secret.

            The guards give us strange looks as we pass into the ground level of the castle, but withhold their questions. If Merlin had been alone, they might voice their suspicions, but none dare question the King’s ward. Arthur, however, has no qualms about raising his eyebrows at me and giving Merlin a smug look. Merlin’s eyes dart to the floor. What was that about?

“Merlin!” Oh, shut up, Arthur. “Have you been enjoying yourself today?”  
“Yes? No! Um…Maybe?” He clearly can’t find the right response to avoid trouble.

“Hmm…because apparently someone forgot about the existence of dinner while they were in the tavern.” ‘The tavern?’ I mouth at Merlin. He gives me the best ‘I have no idea’ face he can muster with Arthur present.

“Sorry, sire. Going now. Would you like me to bring you a baby bottle as well?” Yes! Please do.

“And once you’re done, my armor needs polishing. Be ready tomorrow; the knights will be doing target practice.” Ouch. “Morgana, I need to speak with you for a moment.” Oh, joy, let’s go talk with Arthur. Because that’s bound to be interesting. “You realize I’m standing right here? I said that out loud. Oh… “And that. I advise you come now before you continue making a fool of yourself.” That’s rich. “Morgana!” Right. Follow the prat. I almost trip on the stairs when a thought occurs to me. What if he knows?

            “This stops today.” Is that a threat?

“Um…what?”

“I don’t care what you do in your spare time for entertainment, but leave Merlin out of it.” Get out of my business, Arthur.

“Merlin and entertainment? I hate to think why you associate those two together. Oh, Arthur, he’s your servant, he has to help dress you, that can’t be easy. I know you two share a close bond, but let’s be real here. You of all people ought to know Uther wouldn’t allow it.” I know Arthur’s heart belongs to Gwen. Anyone with eyes could see it. But it is far more fun to pay him back for being an arse. His face has grown a darker shade of crimson as I continued, finally settling for that of an apple.

            “I-Merlin-no-why-” I have never heard of half of the string of obscenities that follow, but I imagine they can’t be good. “Look, just don’t toy with Merlin. Everyone you touch gets destroyed. I am not going to sit and watch you take him.” What?

“I am not _toying_ with Merlin.” Everyone around me is destroyed? What is that supposed to mean?

“Really? You’re not very secretive about it. Running about Camelot in the dead of night? Coming back in the open sort of defeats the purpose, though. And in broad daylight, you feel the need to go everywhere throughout the castle together.” I’d hoped we’d managed to avoid suspicion, but perhaps not. Then again, we have the dragon now. Hopefully these incidents will be few and far between in the future. “Oh, dear, now that’s an interesting face. Care to-oh. Has the great Morgana, queen of ice, somehow begun to actually care for someone? How the mighty have fallen.” Shut UP, Arthur.

“I am not in a relationship with Merlin!” Great response. Because that was completely convincing, and not at all hinting towards the opposite. “Oh, I will never let either of you live this down. Enjoy the rest of your life in Hell, Morgana.” I wish I had a smug comment for retort, but I am left standing in the middle of a hall, looking lost.

            I ought to be able to keep walking. To give condescending smiles and glide up flights of stairs. Because that’s what I do, every day. Yet I remain in the center of the room, with my lungs barely working. Everything around me dies…I suppose I do tend to bring destruction to those around me. Everyone and everything I love has been threatened by my existence, or by magic.

            I used to bet against Arthur about how long it would take to seduce each of the knights. I always won. But I haven’t done that in years. So why does he think I’m toying with another person now?

            And there’s another thing. I do spend an awful amount of time around Merlin. It’s uncanny. Oh, what if Arthur is right? Not that I’m toying with Merlin, never. See, there it is. These strange thoughts that come to my mind, that it would be a sin to break his heart the way I’ve done to complete strangers. Realizing the slightest details about him. He is the most selfless person I’ve ever known. He sacrifices so much for all of us, and asks nothing in return. I know I am an awful person. But he is everything I am not, perfect and-there it is. Damn.

            I don’t want to tell Morgause I still have nightmares. But I do. They are not those that the bracelet is designed to overcome. They are normal nightmares, about a normal person. Hurting, undergoing torture, weeping, trapped far away from me. Merlin thinks I am glad to see him in the mornings. Well, I suppose it is true. I’m just relieved to see him alive.

            I hate pretending I don’t care. Some of the relief of knowing I had a confidant was based on knowing I could let down my façade for a few minutes. A servant would never judge me for putting on a real smile, or sobbing when everyone is out of sight. It has been bliss.

            Some days I am not sure why we go on. Our lives are completely twisted, a mingling of fear and then relief, always shifting from one to the other. I always admired the heroes in fairytales, off on adventures, and saving their significant others. And now it feels like I’m stuck in one, the underdog fighting behind the government’s back, the bipolarity of nerve-wracking panic and the moments when I stop to catch my breath. Is that what I am now? No more than an archetype?

            Other days I remember why. Because Merlin will smile at my existence, or bring me to see a dragon so he can speak to me without prying ears. He will sit with me while I weep, or come when I accidentally scream through my mind. And I will laugh, or whisper a joke behind Uther’s back, just to watch him grin.

            Damn.

            I’m in love with Merlin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Beware; exclamation points ahead. I do not approve. AH! Poorly written romance! Get it away, get it away! Ugh. I have four episodes left to develop and break these people, plus Lancelot and Guinevere because I screwed up and am messing with the timeline to fix my own mistakes instead of just redoing the second chapter. Plus interludes. Hmm. Maybe this will go better than I thought.  
> Oh, I have a set timeline now, in case you’re wondering. It’s from Nightmare Begins until the end of Season 3. I may or may not go on hiatus between 2 and 3 just for some planning. Have no fear for now; I have some great plans for Lady of the Lake. Except I don’t want to put my characters through this…I just had an idea. And I was considering writing it after I finish this note. Oops.
> 
> As I rewrite my previous plans haphazardly, I shall now address the reviews! I know I've mentioned this before, but they are the reason I’m still writing this story. Right now I really want to write my Avengers and Merlin crossover, but I know I will never return to this. Thank you all!
> 
> From Fanfiction.net:  
> No reviewers this time. Once again, I have posted recently and therefore have forgiven you all. I do hope this is not a bad sign.  
> From Archive of Our Own:  
> AriFitzSimmons: Thank you! I’m so glad you think so. I see others’ writing and sob inside. Then I go read my reviews and write for hours in the middle of the night. It’s a never ending cycle. I still cannot thank you enough for saving me from abandoning this!  
> Wattpad:  
> Okay, last chapter; I will admit that I was rude. But seriously, there are stories far worse than mine which are getting reviews on how to improve. Won’t you tell me what you thought?  
> Lunaescence:  
> I think I’m going to take this account off of my list until my story is validated/invalidated. It’s useless to take up space on this list at this point in time.


	6. The Lady of the Lake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hate Freya.
> 
> That's all I have to say for my actions.
> 
>  
> 
> I plead the 5th.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, first things first: ANOTHER APOLOGY. One day these updates will stop being so sporadic. Last night I decided to grit my teeth and write, and I stayed up until 4:00 finishing this…which meant that I woke up at 2 in the afternoon. By the time I took a shower and had my coffee, my family decided to have an early dinner/late lunch, so it is now much later than I had anticipated as I transcribe. And I procrastinate, so this will probably take five times the length it really ought to due to other interests stealing my attention. As much as I would like to have a weekly updating schedule, I have to warn you. Starting July 27th, I will be spending a week in North Carolina without my laptop, another week spending most of the morning/afternoon teaching children music, and the next two weeks until school going to marching band from 9 to 5. So updates will likely cease for a little while. I am displeased about that, but there’s not much I can do besides write at night during that one week and post the day I get back. The next chapter is an interlude I am also not looking forward to, but then we have Sweet Dreams, which I wait for with glee. So there’s that.
> 
> Ah, here it is. The dreaded Lady of the Lake episode every Mergana shipper spends screaming at their screen. Guess what? In my oh-so-humble opinion, this is so much better and makes me happy. Freya broke my heart and the only reason Merlin liked her was because she was like him, but he has Morgana. And now I shall actually write it, and laugh when-SSH. Spoilers. Also, I messed up both the timeline and the whole Bastet-change-at-midnight thing. In this version, Bastets change earlier, and the timeline got screwy. Lastly, Morgana is not considered important enough to be informed about the Druid girl’s escape by Uther, nor of the village attacks. If for some reason you’re reading this without the canon, know that there are attacks on the villagers every night. Morgana never found this out because Uther is a sexist pig. We are no moving on from my Uther hate.
> 
> Thank you to Phoenixfire513, Lady Flurryous, Deirdrexerdried, and shao4361 for favoriting/following! Thanks must also be given to the guest at Archive of our own who gave me kudos!
> 
> Disclaimer: I wish I owned Merlin, but I don’t. Otherwise I would have also included Freya in the canon, but I would brutally kill her. I’ll stop now.

I hate my window. It seems like nothing more than an ordinary pane of glass to all who look at it. But it is so much more. It looks out upon a stage, where innocents are sent to their death. If I turn my head, I can see Arthur tormenting Merlin on the training grounds. Stop. No. Don’t let your mind go there.

 

And today? Today there is a man, who has a girl in a cage. I know that cage. I know what it was like, to have a fear that any day I could be in her place. That fear still holds true today, though certainly not as strong as when Aredian came to court.

 

I pity her. She has done nothing wrong. Even through the darkness, I can see a faint symbol on her skin, the mark of the Druids. They seek only to help others, not to harm Uther. She is pulled from my sight by the man, heading God knows where. I turn away from the window. It is a foolish practice, to look out at the world around me. All I will see is despair.

* * *

 

It always comes as a surprise, to wake calm and well-rested. “Morgana? Merlin wants to talk to you.” Gwen smiles and leaves the room. She too has benefitted from the lack of visions. Her tentative manner has diminished, such that she still seems shy, but confident somehow. I see her hold her head high in the halls, never shrinking from passerby’s gaze.

 

What does Merlin need this early in the morning? It’s far too premature in the day for him to have doomed us all. How long has he been waiting for me?

 

I head out into the hallway only to find a giant of a man grabbing Merlin and thrusting him out of my line of vision. “Excuse me, but exactly what do you think you are doing?” I make sure my voice rings loud and clear, and stop in front of the alcove.

 

“This servant had part of the prince’s breakfast in this pitcher. I think he’s been trying to help my captive escape!” The Druid girl from last night. Of course.

 

“And I think it’s outrageous for you to accuse him for having taken some food. This has no connection with your ‘captive.’” Well, it’s Merlin, so yes, they probably are somehow related. But to him, Merlin is just a servant. The man’s eyes narrow.

 

“If you-“

 

“Yes, you’ll be watching. Next time, watch what you say against the crown prince’s servant. If I hear of one more ridiculous excuse to frame anyone in Camelot to hide your mistakes, I will personally see to it that you will take their place at the gallows. Come along, Merlin.” The guard has narrowed his eyes at both of us, but makes no inclination towards speech. Merlin scrambles to catch up to me. “You assisted her, didn’t you?” I ask the moment we’re out of earshot.

 

“What did you want me to do, leave her there to die?”

 

“Not get caught. If he finds out, he’ll tell Uther I protected you, and we’ll both be discredited.” The words sound so cruel when they spill from my mouth. All I meant to convey was a desire for rationality. “Where is she?”

“In the tunnels beneath the castle. Come on.”

 

* * *

 

 

It is far too cold down here for her. She is folded in upon herself, shivering with only the heat of a few candles. Her dress is in tatters and completely sleeveless. Still, she is alive. “I’m sorry I took so long. This is the Lady Morgana.” I incline my head at her and her eyes widen. It’s like she fears me. Oh, right.

 

“I won’t harm you. Look.” The tears in her dress sew back together and I add sleeves for good measure.

 

“Thank you.” Her face shows only reverent wonder. Something about her still feels off, though.

            I find myself returning alone, later in the evening. It is still early enough that the sky blossoms with orange, streaking pink and purple clouds above my head. Normal people enjoy sunset. I prefer midnight, dark as…well, night, with only the moon as a guide.  Darkness is a blanket. You can wrap it around you like a cloak and hide from everyone else, because they prefer the sunlit paths instead of this beauty. I make my way through the tunnels until I find the candlelight. “Hello?” I call. I turn the corner to see her entire body go rigid, and her eyes are once more huge. “Calm down, it’s just me. You know, I never did get your name.”

 

“It’s Freya. Please, miss, you should go.” Miss?

 

“There is no need for that. My name is Morgana.” Honestly, how hard is it to call a person by their name? Everyone refers to me as My Lady or Missus or any variety of titles I do not care about. All I want is for them to call me by my name.

 

“Morgana, then, while I appreciate the gesture, I must insist you leave before we are found.” Oh, she speaks pretentious. I’m ashamed to say I’m also well-versed in the language.

 

“I bear no ill will, merely a desire to ensure there was nothing you required.” Shall I slip some thee’s and thou’s in while I’m at it?

 

“Morgana, I’m sorry.” And her eyes flash gold. Hmm, why didn’t I want to leave again?

 

“Fight, Morgana.” Morgause’s voice is in my head. That’s completely normal and should be treated as such. “Morgana!” What’s happening? “Magic you imbecile! Pay attention!” Magic is good. Magic is a part of me. “Morgana, she’s a sorceress.” The Druid girl…oh. Well, shite. “Forget everything I said and run.” Is hearing voices supposed to be this confusing? “GO!”

 

I run.

 

* * *

 

 

I’m still unsure of what just transpired. All I know is I have a massive headache, and I’ve somehow ended up in the Darkling Woods. “Hello, sister.” Standing amongst the leafy undergrowth is Morgause, with a face of rage. Oh, this can’t be good. “How has your day been?” It’s that malicious tone. Silkily sweet and still dangerous, that makes the listener tread carefully only to fall into her web.

 

“Confusing,” I admit. Only blatant honest is my best hope now. “May I ask how you got into my head?”

 

“Magic. That’s all that needs to be said on the matter right now. We have more pressing problems. Are you aware of the secrets of the company you keep?” Would it be wrong of me to scream that I don’t care, all I want to know is how to keep people out of my mind?

 

“Merlin? Of course I know.”

  
“The Druid girl. She has him enchanted and cursed you into running. And with good reason. If I hadn’t told you to get out of there you would be dead.” It was your voice that kept me from leaving in the first place! No, this is a dangerous Morgause, more so than usual.

 

“And why is that?” Stay out of my brain, away from my thoughts.

 

“She’s a Bastet. She turns into a beast when the sun sets; both you and your friend are lucky to have escaped with your lives.” That seems to be a recurring mantra lately.

“How do you know any of this?” Despite what she would have me believe, I don’t for one minute think Morgause is omniscient.

 

“Please. First there were the village attacks, and I’m also keeping tabs on you when you leave the castle. And a Druid caught out of her camp? It’s highly unlikely the entire camp was raided, otherwise there would be more? She alone was caught, but why, they offer help to all and obviously her company was unwelcome. The Druids have few reasons for excluding the peaceful. So, I did some research as to what could be human and cause attacks, and found an explanation. Transforming into a giant beast by night, well, it’s not exactly a parlor trick appreciated by the Druids.” True, but this theory seems to hold quite a bit of guesswork. Right now, though, it’s all I have. “Look, I did the research, you got yourself into another brush with death. I think my word is the one we’ll use for now. And now I have to tell you, you can’t free her.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“Don’t let her escape. And don’t let her enchant you again.” But if she is caught…”I know that look, Morgana. But she must die. If she lives, she will kill anyone in her path.” One death, to save the lives of many.

“Of course.” I turn to leave and plaster a smile on my face, an act I’m far too accustomed to. I hate self-pity sometimes.

 

* * *

 

 

The morning passes by uneventfully. The afternoon, however, is a different story. Hastig, our dear friend the kidnapper is busy interrogating villagers. Hopefully he will still be out when the escape attempt begins. When the said failure will take place, though, needs to be established.

 

There are days when I can bottle up my emotions, and pretend to have a heart of ice. Other times I can’t drag myself out of bed for fear of opening my mouth. Today must be one of the latter, because for a moment I can’t breathe. Screw the plan.

 

Merlin is kissing Freya.

 

I can hear footsteps. Would I be a complete bint if I was even slightly happy? If I hoped they were caught? Oh…I’m here too. I thank Merlin silently for his trick when he originally lent me the spell book. The first spell I concentrated on was invisibility. While it saves my skin, Merlin knows it too, and theirs are intact too. How much longer until she gets out of our lives?

 

* * *

 

 

“We’re sneaking her out. Tomorrow night.” I shoot a glance at the  nearby villagers. If Arthur were here, they’d be stopping to listen. Sometimes, on rare occasion,, this situation actually works out in my benefit. “And I need to borrow a dress.” Too easy.

“I am not donating a dress to suit your cross dressing needs! But in all seriousness, I mended her dress.” This has nothing to do with jealousy. It’s reasonable; I fixed it, didn’t I?

 

“Morgana…” I don’t miss that his eyes momentarily flash gold. Morgause’s words float back to me. He’s enchanted. Ugh. I have to figure out how to free him. Until then…

 

“Of course. I’d be glad to help.” Help get her away from me.

 

* * *

 

 

I’ve successfully avoided Merlin as much as possible since he announced our plans. But I find myself cornered ahead of schedule. “Gaius thinks Freya and decided to doom her to Uther.” Gaius, you’re a wonderful person. “We have to go, now.” Okay, less time to plan, let’s think while running through the castle. Running…I catch my heel on the stair and fall down the marble staircase. “Morgana!” Not my best plan. My back and leg ache, and the limp isn’t faked.

 

“I’ll be fine. We’ve got save….” Better idea. I let go of Merlin’s arm and fall like a rag doll. Floor still hurts. God to know. As Merlin sinks to the floor, his eyes flash again. Leaving me sprawled in the hall, he runs from the scene. If Uther doesn’t kill her first, I will. I grab the wall to help myself up to a sitting position. I still feel dizzy and ache and can’t dream of moving, but I’m upright. That’s good, right?

                           

It takes what feels like eons for Merlin to return, finding me sitting on the floor with one hand to the wall, the other clutching my head. I don’t think the world is supposed to tilt like this. “She’s gone. Freya left.” I’m silently cheering, dancing, and jumping all at the same time in my head. “She’s safe. That’s what matters. Are you alright?”

  
“Do I look alright?” I’m clutching a wall, for God’s sakes.

 

“Did you try magic?” Oh. I’m an idiot. “I’m taking that look as a no. Cor spiriume bracchio ecerebra.” My head is clear. It’s stopped, there’s no more aching all over.

 

“Thank you.” And when I let go of the wall, the warning bells begin. Merlin’s eyes magnify to twice their normal size.

“Freya.”

 

Even without my meddling, we don’t make it in time. From behind the barrels, though, we watch it all unfold. She transforms into a cat with wings, a flying panther. Though she was a plain girl before, she was prettier then. She flies to the other side of the courtyard, only to be met with an ambush by the knights of Camelot. I don’t watch Merlin’s face when Arthur stabs the beast. There is some pain that cannot be reveled in, even if she was immoral. I do not believe she could ever be cruel.

 

“Morgana?” Merlin blinks at me, as if seeing me for the first time. Ah, the enchantment. So she truly is dead. “What have-”

“You were underneath an enchantment. Freya was cursed to turn into a beast at night, and became lonely. God knows that could’ve been me if you hadn’t helped me. Maybe I’d be evil too.” I manage a laugh at the thought, if only to diffuse the tension.

 

“I can’t say it doesn’t hurt, knowing she’s dead when she was a victim of fate. But even though she was kind, she bewitched me to fall in love with her. I’m not sure what to think about it.”

 

“Then don’t. Think of any place you would rather be than here. A forest with a small clearing, pinecones scattered along the ground. There’s birds above your head, their chirping like a song. And there’s a lake. The lake’s the best part, you know. It has crystal clear water, and it gives you the feeling that if you were to just touch it with but a finger, your past is wiped away. A new beginning, to help you forget everything you’ve suffered. Being in the water is like being in a dream, one of the ones that are actually beautiful. It’s so surreal you don’t want to wake up, but you know morning is coming. So you close your eyes and smile and entertain the notion that the world won’t come crashing down around you ever again. It’s a lake where children throw pebbles in to grant wishes and they actually come true. And all you want is to stay, forever anywhere but this life you’re in right now.” Or cascading falls that become part of the birdsong, or where lily pads pop up one day and with them the frogs.

 

“And a lake.” He smiles, but it’s not the one I love. It’s the one I weak when I’m falling apart and still grinning. It’s the one that’s come to be accepted as my normal smile. “Morgana? Are you alright?”

 

“I’m fine. Good night, Merlin.”

 

But I’m not fine. Neither of us are, not in the slightest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I really like these angsty ends that aren’t so much cliffhangers as confessions. You should know I have established a timeline, and this story will end at the season 3 finale. There it will spawn a completely new fate for seasons 4/5/post Merlin. That will be marked tragedy, for reasons we shall discuss when that time comes upon us. This is still…I don’t even know. Fantasy, obviously. Whatever I clicked when I started this. All that to say, I’ve figured out what I want from this story. It’s not going to be that sad, no worse than canon at least. I will attempt to get the next chapter out quickly, but I make no promises. There’s that month, and when school starts back I have 2 AP classes with no seminars (God help me). Fun.
> 
> In other news, feel free to disregard other updates today if they show up. I will be ensuring a constant bolding of these author notes for consistency. Also, if anyone wants to beta this, or knows a beta, feel free to volunteer!
> 
> For my beloved reviewers:
> 
> Fanfiction.net:
> 
> Glacier22: I’m very sorry I didn’t update as quickly as I ought to. I promised myself it would never get as out of hand as it did earlier this year, but look what’s happened. I’m trying to schedule it out because I hate not knowing when the next update will be, but I think that’s the way this story might go. The ones that come out the quickest are the best because they’re easier to write, and these ones are written when I’m sleep deprived. I know what I’m doing tonight, though.
> 
> Lady Flurryous: Thank you, though I failed to keep up the pace. Those were written earlier in the pause between The Witch Finder and Sins of the Father, so all that needed to happen was the transcription between writing on paper and the laptop. Moving on from my updating speed:  
> 1) The issue of Morgana’s last name-Gorlois’ surname is never mentioned in the show (I had to double check with the wikia in case I’d missed this), but in some versions, she goes by Le Fay. Due to the show not explaining this properly, I used Pendragon. I almost had Kilgharrah cover a slip-up in the scene where he makes a comment about Uther’s ward come to visit at last, in which he begins to say daughter. But I have decided to keep him in the dark. He doesn’t know everything.
> 
> 2) I did the dialogue thing in this chapter, and it looked much better. But the tab button on my computer for paragraphs is acting up, so that might be a factor. Hopefully it will flow well.
> 
> 3) “Do what’s right and damn the consequences” is exactly her mantra! I thought she was a bit harsh as well, but the thing I have to keep reminding myself is the proximity to Idirsholas in the timeline. By then she is ready to tell Morgause she wants Uther dead, by any means. Arthur, however, is just sibling rivalry. She’s slowly growing away from morality, though, and we’ll see some of why in the next chapter. We’ve been having slight mentions of Morgause preceding this, and this bit was just the taster. Morgana knows Morgause’s danger tone, that says something right there.  
> 4) I’m going back and bolding all these notes and such. In that time, I’ll see what I can do.  
> 5) I…oh, how do I do this without spoilers or being annoyingly cryptic? Not all of the prophecy is literal, some of it is meant to be metaphoric. I can’t say yet which that will fall into, because I’m debating about one of the battles. I can honestly say, however, that the Merlin and Morgana romance is going to have some sharp twists and turns. I look forward to a few scenes in particular…but it will destroy your shipper heart. The canon rips out your heart, stomps on it, and runs over it with a truck. I burn the fragments. But they…I am going to have to stop talking, because I have far too many ideas floating around right now. They are not set in stone.
> 
> Thank you for the tidbit about other’s points of view. I shall try to abide by it, hopefully! But, thank you for the compliments, and I hope you enjoyed this chapter.
> 
> From Archive of Our Own:
> 
> Elyhandra: Thank you! I hope you continue to enjoy Morgana’s perspective.
> 
> AriFitzSimmons: I cheer every time I read these reviews! Kilgharrah always seemed pretty cruel to Morgana in the canon to me, and he’s still too judgmental for my tastes. We’ll see what her heart is capable of later…that’s going to be an interesting ride. Until the next time!
> 
> Wattpad:  
> Why do I bother? There are god-awful stories that get comments, and yet this one is still unnoticed! Even my friends don’t comment. You guys are lame, and I hope you’re reading this because otherwise it feels like I’m insulting you behind your back. That’s kind of awkward.
> 
> Luna: I WILL WAIT, I WILL WAIT FOR YOUUUUUU! Wait, I hate that song, why am I singing this? The queue is closed, so the last chapter wasn’t even posted. I’m crying in the corner.


	7. Guide Me Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: 12:00 Saturday, August 16th: It is midnight and I’m still transcribing. Screw you all, I’m posting it next week, I need some sleep to go to church tomorrow morning. I’ll just get ahead and be extra prepared.
> 
> Updates will continue to be on Saturdays from now on, though I’m unsure as to how quickly I’ll write the next one-school is coming. As is Doctor Who tonight, so I’d better finish this. 
> 
> Thanks to Lady Flurryous on AO3 for the kudos, and fanfiction's Hitokiri-Raijin, Riy, Tsuta-chan, neils1995, voldyismyfather, whitewolf 25276, kurotenshi-08, ladygoddess8, and mersan123 for following/favoriting.
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin.
> 
> This chapter was inspired by Coldplay’s “Fix You,” and the end by Daughtry’s “Waiting for Superman”.

When I awake, it is like I am underwater, being forced to stay beneath and breathe, though I know the liquid will fill my lungs. There is cold pressing all around me, and I gasp for breath. The healing bracelet is still on my arm, completely intact. So why are the horrors still coming, still whispering of Hell’s own demons, still with me?

 

“Morgana!” Shut up, leave me alone.

 

And the door bursts open. “Morgana!”

 

“Get out!” Arthur has kicked down my door and is standing in full armor, sword drawn and pointed at me.

 

“I heard screaming.” Well, shite.

 

“I’m fine, now get out.” Let me be, let me cry without you watching.

 

“No, you’re not.” He sheaths his sword and takes a seat on the edge of my bed. “I know that face, I know those words. You say you’re fine, but you’re crumbling, breaking like glass. You smile, but you’re just waiting until they all stop watching to dissolve. We’re withering, you and I. We’re a shell of who we once were. All that will be left of us by the end will be a bitter fragment of our souls, so twisted and warped they’re no longer recognizable.” And I snap like a cord.

 

“There is no we involved in this. Do not for one moment pretend like you know me, like we are the same. I’ve seen you at galas and banquets, and I’ve seen you when you’re alone. There is no mask, no discernment between your true self and who you are around others, because there is no need for you to have one. You have no idea who I am.” His lips press into a small smile, not unlike the one I wear so often.

 

“The best mask is one that stays on permanently. It has veins so deep you believe they’re real. But they’re not. So I’ll ask again, why did I hear screaming?”

 

“What do you want from me?”

 

“Acknowledgement that your fears have tormented you enough to leave you screaming. That you can’t keep up the pretenses. And then I want to know what made you scream so loudly that I thought you were being attacked.” Oh, that sounds like _fun_.

 

“Yes, all those words you just said. Nightmares aren’t fun, I’m a mess, the works.”

“And why I was woken by a banshee?” Oh.

 

The future is like a city. There are many different routes to a destination. Nothing is ever set in stone. I’ve watched Arthur die countless times in a multitude of ways. Seeing as he’s still here pestering me, none of them seem to have worked. I’ve seen my own death once. I try to avoid thinking about that too extensively. There are others that I love who I watch in pain worse than death, see them beg for their end.

 

            There is a fine line between ordinary dreams and visions. When I dream, it is like I am myself, knowing a scenario is false yet unable to end it. During a vision I am a spectator, forced to watch alternate realities with no influence. Last night was not a dream. It is a possible future.

 

            I finally settle on an appropriate answer. “I watched someone I care about die.” I don’t need to tell him who it is. His face immediately softens.

 

“Father will kill you.” Hello, harsh reality. I didn’t know you were stopping by today.

 

“Do I look like I care?”

 

“Yes, actually. I know you do because I do too. Actually, you strive more than I do for his praise, for recognition.” I try to avoid Uther at all costs. But I suppose I did vie for attention often, before I realized I would always be hated by him.

 

“Look,” he begins, “We’re not the same, not at all, but I know what you’re doing when you smile like that. So don’t assume I’m blind. Please. You may not be my sister by blood, but you’re still part of me. I know you too well for this.” As he leaves, he pauses in the doorway, turning his head towards me. “He cares about you too, you know. More than you think.”

 

I have a task to complete today, I can’t focus on this. But I still do.

 

In the end, we all die.

 

I suppose I just thought Merlin was an exception to the rule.

 

* * *

 

 

“Come now, you’re not even trying. If this were real battle, you would’ve been dead ages ago,” Morgause taunts, the corners of her mouth drawing up slightly. Focus. Keep the shield strong, don’t let her distract you. “Are you afraid, Morgana? Fear makes fools, and fools can’t fight.” She releases another golden dart at my pitiful excuse of a shield. When it reaches me all I know is Hell.

 

I am watching Uther’s hand on my throat, pinning me to the wall for helping Mordred. The past version of me with a sword, standing at my father’s final resting place, ready to kill the king. The vision where I die, ones where Arthur dies. Watching Merlin die, and the hallucination becomes Freya kissing Merlin, watching the hopelessness cross his face as she dies. “Morgana!” Shite.

 

“What the hell was that?” I scream.

 

“I might ask you the same question. You’ve allowed five memory arrows in. You would be dead if they were real. Oh, and do you know the interesting part about memory arrows? Both the archer and the puncture victim get to experience the horrors. I’ll reiterate, what the HELL was that?” I’m caught between laughing at the similarities between Morgause and Arthur and that sinking feeling of ‘Oh’ in my stomach.

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  
  
“Hmm, let’s think, what could make me this angry? Let’s review: Your adoptive father is abusive, you died, your brother died, your best friend died, and don’t think I missed the look on your face the entire time he was around. So, seeing as you’re ‘fine’, we’ll try again with a more effective tactic.”

 

* * *

 

 

It is evening when I return, struggling to walk normally and keep my face straight. All I have to do is make it to my room to get to the healing bracelet. Easier said than done. I stop for a moment to assess the damage: Definitely some broken ribs, fractured ankle, my foot should not want to turn that way, hipbone injured, and bruised all over. I almost stop dead in the courtyard. Stairs. So many stairs, and even more on the way to my room. I lend a small smile to the guards, and place my feet on the marble. An appreciation for the darkness must be mentioned, for it cloaks my face from speculation. There’s one stair down-knee, knee, straighten the legs as quickly as can be subtly managed. Wonder what’s wrong with that. I turn the grimace into a smile, biting my lip to hide the pain. Quickly now, before you’re caught. Whoever designed this castle had a thing for endless halls and corridors, taking me forever to reach the staircase that can give me peace. I am halfway up when my ribs decide they have had enough. My breath comes in short gasps. I draw a hand around my stomach and clutch the railing, steadying myself for the last bit of pain.

 

“Morgana?” No. Please not him, I was so close. “Are you alright?” No, but please, leave me be, I can’t take this too. Not right now.

 

“Fine.” I give the closest thing I have to a smile, but Merlin rolls his eyes at me and starts up the stairs.

 

“No, you’re not. Come on, you’re going to see Gaius.” I won’t, not with the man who tries to take away my identity, my power.

 

“I am not going to see Gaius. The man hates me.”  


“Fine then, _I’ll_ heal you but please, just let me help you. Put your arm around my shoulders.” As I do, he brings his arm around my waist and I lean on him for support. I don’t mention my hip has been wounded or how much it aches. “Come on. Down the stairs.” I try not to focus on the worry in Merlin’s eyes. Or the time it will take for the life in them to fade.

 

“I suppose you won’t tell me how you managed this, or how long you’ve been this way?” Of course not.

 

“I tripped over a rainbow on my way back from Oz,” I deadpan, and he unwillingly lets out a slight grin.

 

“Morgana, you can’t keep this up forever. If this is a constant thing, you know I’ll find out about it.” Yes, I do. But that time is not now.

 

“I understand.” Seemingly satisfied, Merlin plucks a vial from the cabinet and hands it to me. I raise my eyebrows at him.

 

“It’s a sedative. I’ve fixed the bones, but I’m not stupid, I know you’re still in pain. This will allow you to sleep it off.” He sits down next to me, and I accept the liquid, gulping it down my throat to avoid the acrid taste.

 

“Thank you.” The words take all the effort I have, but at least he smiles. As I nod off, my head falls against his shoulder and he whispers a phrase I can’t quite hear. My last thought before losing consciousness is I left the bracelet in my room.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: It's the shortest of all the chapters yet, and for that I apologize. But anyways...
> 
> For my reviewers!
> 
> Fanfiction:
> 
> Lady Flurryous: The bracelet is an interesting concept I'm exploring right now. And no, there was no funeral held at the lake, so you'll have to wait and see for how that plot point turns out! Thank you for the reassurance, it really helped me not feel guilty over vacation. As always, you are appreciated!
> 
> Riy: I was actually back when I saw this, but I was bedridden with an awful sinus thing, and it was wonderful to check my email and see all these reviews pop up! And the questions, okay: I used the transcript in the beginning, but when I use it I tend to focus more on it than on the details, so I've stopped and started rewatching episodes, just getting the basic gist of the conversations. With the destruction, Arthur was just talking about her indifference towards people who love her, though she does tend to break anything near her when she's angry. Thank you for all of these reviews, they really made my day!
> 
> Archive of Our Own:
> 
> AriFitzSimmons: Good! The romance arc has just begun, and it's got some interesting parts to it, in my opinion. I look forward to fleshing it out more...
> 
> Wattpad, as always, I BLOODY HATE YOU ALL.


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